Codependency: How Loved Ones Can Support Without Losing Themselves

Codependency is not a character flaw or a failure of willpower. Dr. Saulitis describes it as a particular state of consciousness in which one brain begins constructing its inner "film" under the influence of another. Understanding this mechanism is the first step for anyone who genuinely wants to help.

How One Brain Influences Another

The brain works by creating a new internal "film" every time we perceive something or someone. When a person spends extended time near someone whose state is unstable or anxious, their own brain begins reproducing similar images and reactions. Dr. Saulitis calls this the mechanism of induction — a kind of hypnosis that, over time, becomes woven into one's habitual sense of reality. Those closest to a person in this state can find themselves inside that "film" without even noticing.

What Loved Ones Need to Understand

A person's behaviour and inner state are largely shaped by the pattern that has formed in their brain — through upbringing, environment, and repeated experiences. It is not a choice, and it is not an intention to cause harm. When you recognise this, it becomes easier not to take someone else's anxiety or reactivity personally — and to stop trying to "fix" them through sheer persuasion or willpower.

Support Without Merging: A Practical Orientation

The key question Dr. Saulitis encourages us to ask ourselves is: which "wolf" are you feeding — your own, or someone else's? Supporting a loved one does not mean adopting their "film" as your own. On the contrary, maintaining the stability of your own state of consciousness — keeping your inner "screen" clear — is itself a form of real help. The person beside you receives a living example of a different state, a different inner "cinema."

If you find yourself no longer able to tell where your loved one's distress ends and yours begins, that is a signal to seek professional support — not only for them, but for yourself as well.