How Loved Ones Can Support Someone with Low Self-Esteem

When someone close to us struggles with low self-esteem, our first instinct is to tell them how good they really are. But Dr. Saулitis warns that this approach is a trap. The very logic of "evaluation" — high or low — is the problem itself, not the solution.

Don't raise or lower it — step out of the evaluation game altogether

Attempts to "boost" a loved one's self-esteem operate within the same framework as tearing it down. The doctor calls this system a "self-esteem cult": people get caught in endless comparison with others, even though there is no one to compare with — every person exists as a one-of-a-kind. The most helpful thing you can do is refuse to play that game yourself and gently guide your loved one out of it.

Replace evaluation with measurement

Instead of "you're good / you're bad," offer your loved one a different question: does this particular action, person, or situation *suit* them? Dr. Saулitis lives by this principle himself: he does not evaluate — he measures. He notices specific details and asks whether they give him energy or not. Help your loved one shift from judgements to observations: what is actually happening, what fits, what doesn't.

Help them focus on a concrete action, here and now

When a person is fully concentrated on what they are doing at this moment, there is simply no room left in their mind for self-evaluating thoughts. Supporting a loved one also means doing things together, talking about specific next steps, and paying attention to the details of the present moment — not "who you are," but "what you are doing right now."

Be patient: this is a long road

The doctor is candid: a drop of water wears away stone. One conversation is not enough. It is important for loved ones not to be discouraged by the lack of quick results — consistent, calm support free of judgement changes a person gradually, but surely.