Grief and First Steps: Why Action Beats Tears

When real tragedy strikes, the instinct of many is to cry, to pity, to ask for pity. Dr. Saulitis says the opposite: in the acute moment grief is not cured by grief, and a person — like a whole people — needs not tears but strength, energy and resource to stand firm and to help.

Tears Don't Stop a Missile

The doctor admits openly that his words sound harsh. But the logic is simple: our crying beside someone in trouble won't make them feel better. Real help is action, not sympathy for its own sake.

"You can't help grief with grief."

"If my tears had stopped even one missile — yes; but instead, let's do something real."

If you have strength and means, you can direct them where they actually change something. Tears can't.

Why You Mustn't Get Stuck in the Victim Role

The doctor warns of a dangerous "infection": the victim position pulls you in. It's like a child who learned — "the more I cry, the more candy I get." The habit of complaining and waiting for help becomes a new dependency, and a person begins to "fall apart."

"In the victim position there is no progress."

The danger is that help one gets used to can weaken you more than the disaster itself.

A Person and a Nation — the Same Principles

The doctor stresses: a people is an organism, and the same laws apply to it as to an individual after psychological trauma. The levels differ, the principles are the same. So the approach to acute grief is shared too: don't reinforce helplessness, but bring the person back to action.

He reminds us: tragedies have happened to every nation — wars, revolutions, civil wars. It isn't a "specially chosen" fate, but a reality that can touch anyone. Understanding this removes the feeling of being uniquely doomed.

Strength Comes Through Your Own Hands

The doctor's central thought: the more a person does themselves — rebuilding what was broken with their own hands, working, acting — the sooner the "waiters" run out. People stop waiting and start gathering and fixing what was destroyed on their own. That is recovery.

Tears and mourning aren't cancelled forever — their time comes later, when the acute phase has passed. First action, and only afterward can you "let a tear fall."

Practice: First Steps in Acute Loss

1. Name reality honestly. The disaster happened; it can happen to anyone. It is not "specially about you."
2. Don't get stuck in tears in the acute moment. Let yourself understand: the task now is to stand firm; there will be time to mourn later.
3. Find at least one action. Any feasible task, with your own hands, today.
4. Stop waiting. Don't wait for someone to come and fix everything — start small yourself.
5. Protect your resource. Strength, energy and resource are needed to help — yourself and others. That matters more than pity.