How to Be There for Someone Grieving: The Practice of True Presence

When someone close to us is grieving, the instinct is to share their pain — to cry alongside them, to show empathy through words. Dr. Saulitis invites us to pause and ask: what does a person in grief actually need?

Grief cannot be healed by more grief

A person in the depths of loss is in an altered state — moving on autopilot, repeating themselves, barely aware of those around them. Your tears and visible distress do not ease their pain in that moment. The role of a supportive loved one is not to be swept into the same grief, but to hold steady and preserve your own capacity to help.

"People going through a real tragedy have no room for us at all. We need to be at our best — to have the strength, energy, and resources to actually help them."

Presence over questions

One of the doctor's most striking examples is a man who lost his children and was asked by journalists to retell the story again and again. Forcing a grieving person to repeatedly relive their trauma causes fresh harm. Being present does not mean asking questions or prompting them to recount what happened. Sometimes the most supportive thing is a quiet shift toward simple, concrete action.

Activity as an anchor

Dr. Saulitis emphasises that pity and a victim stance provide no solid ground — neither for the grieving person nor for those supporting them. Help that actually works is not sympathetic words but real action: assisting with daily tasks, offering something practical to do, gently drawing the person back into the flow of ordinary life. This is not coldness — it is respect for their inner strength.

"Better to act in real, concrete ways — especially when the situation is this serious."

Key points to carry with you

• Don't ask them to retell it. Avoid prompting repeated descriptions of the loss.
• Protect your own resources. To help, you need to remain grounded yourself.
• Action over words. Concrete help matters more than emotional declarations.
• Pity is not support. It can keep a person locked in helplessness.