Couple Conflict: What It Is and How to Recognize It

Most couples come to a specialist complaining about "relationship problems" — but what lies beneath is often something different: one or both partners are in an altered psycho-emotional state and simply do not realise it.

Conflict or a State of Mind?

The first and most important distinction: not every clash between partners is a "relationship conflict" in the usual sense. What looks like incompatibility or a quarrel may in fact be an expression of one partner's internal condition. Sharpness, aggression, and intense reactions can be symptoms rather than personality traits. People typically conflate these things entirely and never separate them.

How to Recognise It: The Key Question

Before trying to analyse the content of a conflict, you need to answer one question: what state is each of you in right now? If one or both partners are in a heightened emotional state — reactive, distressed, or "intoxicated" by their feelings — their perception of the situation is distorted. In that state, a person cannot accurately assess either their partner or what is happening between them.

Signs Worth Paying Attention To

• One partner feels persistent agitation or euphoria while the other feels flat or depleted.
• Reactions are clearly disproportionate to the situation in their intensity.
• A person makes significant decisions (rushing into closeness or abruptly ending things) in the heat of the moment, then regrets them.
• One partner talks at length about problems, cannot take in feedback, and keeps going in circles.

Why This Understanding Matters

If you do not distinguish between "conflict as such" and "conflict as a consequence of a state," any attempt to work on the relationship will have limited effect. The first step is to understand what you are actually dealing with — and only then does the appropriate next step become clear.

To live through and truly understand what wave you are on, what state you are in — that is what is genuinely difficult.