Why Relationships End: The Method’s View on the Brain During a Breakup

The method views breakup and divorce not as personal "weakness" or "error," but as a process with biological logic. Everything we feel after a separation is the work of the brain, and understanding this work helps form the right attitude toward what is happening.

The Partner as a "Medication"

In a relationship the other person is often used as a source of positive emotions — almost like a medication. When that object is removed, the brain loses its familiar activation. Hence the urge to "get the partner back," which mechanically resembles addiction: the person wants to return the dopamine.

"the person who was used as a medication is removed irreversibly — then depression begins"

The Bargaining Stage: "One Last Chance"

In the bargaining stage the person seeks dopamine activation. Hence the calls, the attempts to "get back together after a while," to "give one last chance," to "try again." The doctor compares this to a casino gambler making one last bet at the roulette — "just one more chance to win."

Depression as Deprivation

After bargaining (successful or not) leads to another breakup, partial realization sets in: the past cannot be brought back, one must rebuild. Then depression begins — a deprivation of positive emotions, a drop in serotonin, a rise in intrusive thoughts. A state resembling reactive or organic depression may form. Moreover, a breakup can act as a trigger for endogenous disorders.

Why Couples Split: Growing Apart

Beyond the biology of the stages, there is the cause of the rupture itself. Often one partner wants to develop — to study, to see the world, to fulfill themselves — while the other half is "like a log": addictions, illness, a different level. A dissonance appears, and there is no sense in dragging it out. But women are afraid to leave, and behind that fear there are often psychiatric conditions — anxiety disorder, depression, the fear of "not being able to support themselves." A person stays suspended in this state for years.

The Acceptance Stage and the Role of Therapy

The final stage is acceptance. Critical judgment toward what happened returns, the person takes up tasks, gets distracted, and over time is no longer so categorical about the ended relationship. If support and therapy were started in time, they come to see what happened as experience — a chance to foresee and prevent a repetition.

Practice: Instead of Reactive Actions

1. No reactive actions — this is the first rule after a breakup.
2. First, set the psyche in order; this usually takes up to 4 months of stabilization.
3. Wait until the critical reactivity subsides and critical thinking returns.
4. Only then, without running away, calmly "build a plan" for the next steps.
5. Remember: the feelings after a breakup are the brain’s evolutionarily fine-tuned work, not your defect.