After a Breakup: First Steps — Don't Run, Stabilize Your Mind

A breakup or divorce often catches you off guard — infidelity, accumulated discord, the feeling that your partner is «like a log», or simply the realization that you've grown while they stayed put. In that moment the temptation is to act immediately: to run somewhere, to break or save something. Dr. Saulitis says the opposite: the first step is to stop and put your own mind in order.

Why You Mustn't Act Right Away

When the blow lands — infidelity, separation, «a thousand and one collisions» — a person, a woman especially, «collapses» into depression and doesn't know what to do next. This is where reactive actions are born: impulsive moves driven by emotion. The doctor insists these are exactly what must be avoided first.

«No reactive actions. The first thing — you have to set your mind in order.»

Stabilization First

In the doctor's observation, behind that «suspended state» there are often mental disorders — usually anxiety and depression. A woman is afraid to leave because she fears she won't support herself, and so she stays in this state for years. That's why the first task isn't dividing property or escaping, but mental recovery and stabilization. This usually takes up to four months.

«It usually takes up to four months — we tune it precisely so our psyche works perfectly.»

When Critical Thinking Returns

Only once the critical reactivity is gone and critical thinking has resumed can you build your next plan. The doctor compares it to the preparation of the Count of Monte Cristo: «we run nowhere, we stay where we are, but we prepare a plan of escape». Such a plan may take a year or two — that's strategy, not panic.

«There Is No Divorce» — the Contact Always Remains

A key idea: «there is no divorce». People always keep contacting in some form — at least in memory, in feelings. This is normal and the same all over the world. So the task isn't to «cut off» the past by force, but to create a new life contact and concentrate on it one hundred percent — then the old one fades on its own.

«Just move on, make a new contact, concentrate on it one hundred percent — and the old one will switch off.»

Beware of Guilt

Often after a breakup a person feels «bad», «worthless», as if programmed for this «filth». The doctor calls it a «delusion» that keeps the suffering going: the breakup simply resonated with a depressive background. Here he urges you to step away from guilt — don't stay in this «sect of self-eaters».

Practice: First Steps After a Breakup

1. Stop the reactivity. No impulsive decisions on emotion — no running, no «rescue» moves right now.
2. Set your mind in order. Give yourself up to four months to stabilize: the goal is for your psyche to work smoothly again.
3. Wait for critical thinking. The return of sober judgment is the sign that you can start considering next steps.
4. Build a plan, don't run. «Where we are» — that's where we stay, calmly preparing the way forward.
5. Leave guilt behind and create a new contact. Stop feeding the «I'm bad» feeling and direct all attention to a new life connection.