Psychological Abuse: First Steps Toward Freedom

When we speak of psychological abuse, we instinctively look for an offender outside. But Dr. Saulitis insists: we must start not with others, but with what happens inside us. That is where the first and most important step lies.

The harshest abuser is yourself

The doctor calls personal abuse — the abuse a person inflicts on themselves — the heaviest and deepest of all. It has "no bottom": guilt, self-blame, and the endless thoughts of "if only I had then…" pile up on one another and pull toward depression. The paradox: the smarter a person is, the more they work, tire, and lose sleep, the more strongly their mind drags them into this self-abuse.

So the first step is not to deal with outside offenders, but to stop the abuse against yourself.

Guilt is the storyline of a delusion, not the truth about you

The doctor explains the mechanism plainly: those scenes — "if only I had called my brother," "maybe my mother would have lived two more years," "I am unworthy," "I owe someone" — are not reality but what the brain throws up like a scary story. The limbic, reactive system triggers a defense mechanism that manifests as delusion — depressive-paranoid, or what he calls existential paranoia.

The brain knows our weak spots and aims right at them. These images seize a person like a horror film, and they completely lose contact with reality — "all other life simply dies."

The key point: if you are mentally healthy, such delusion does not arise on its own — it is induced, like a suggested state. Which means it can be recognized and separated from yourself.

The second group: those closest to us

After ourselves, the second large group of those who psychologically abuse us is our closest people: parents, children, relatives, friends. The doctor gives an example from a consultation: a woman could not say "no" to her father, suffered through the nights, yet still did what he demanded.

His approach here is not to attack or cut ties at once, but to see the catch: the close person is not a villain either — often they are themselves "sick," acting out of their own fear. This understanding lifts part of the weight from you and restores a sober view.

Knowledge gives strength

The doctor repeats that the main value of these talks is information. When you understand the mechanism, the result will be far better. Knowing about abuse is itself a first practical tool of protection: you stop taking the brain's scary stories as the truth about yourself.

Practice: first steps against self-abuse

1. Name the thought. When "if only I had then…" or "I am unworthy" rolls in, tell yourself: this is not reality, it is the storyline of a delusion — an image the brain throws up.
2. Separate it from yourself. Remind yourself: if you are mentally healthy, this guilt is not yours, it was induced. "It has nothing to do with you."
3. Stop abusing yourself. This, in the doctor's words, is the very first and most important thing — to end the self-blame.
4. See the close person differently. If a relative is pressuring you, ask: maybe they act out of their own fear, maybe they are themselves "sick" — this doesn't excuse it, but it lifts the guilt from you.
5. Lean on knowledge. The more you understand the mechanism, the easier it is not to fall into the scary stories, and the better the result.