Psychological Abuse: How Loved Ones Can Help Without Making Things Worse

When someone close to you is suffering from psychological abuse — or is causing it while in the grip of a mental disorder — the natural impulse is to judge, pull away, or rush in to "fix" everything. Dr. Saulitis explains why both reactions lead nowhere, and what actually helps.

Separate the person from the illness

The single most important step for a loved one is learning to distinguish between the person and what their disorder is doing to them. Family-level psychological abuse often happens because one person's illness "turns against" the person nearest to them. This does not make the situation less serious — but it changes the perspective entirely: you are not dealing with a "bad person," but with a sick one. As long as you can hold onto that view, you protect your own mental health and remain capable of genuine support.

Don't minimise how deep the pain runs

Psychological abuse — especially the kind a person inflicts on themselves through guilt, self-blame, and depressive thinking — is what Dr. Saulitis calls the most devastating level of violence: "there is no bottom to it." Loved ones need to understand this: don't say "pull yourself together," and don't compare their suffering to something you consider "worse." Simply acknowledging the depth of the pain is already a form of support.

Protect your own "hearth of mental health"

Loved ones burn out when they try to single-handedly "rescue" someone. Dr. Saulitis stresses that illness actively blocks healthy people from reaching those who are ill — it seems designed to prevent that connection. Your task is not to overpower the illness through sheer will, but to keep alive in yourself the ability to see a human being in front of you. That inner "hearth" is what makes sustained help possible at all.

Understanding is a strength, not a weakness

Empathy and the desire to make sense of what is happening are often read by others as weakness — but that is a mistake. It is precisely this understanding that gives a loved one stability and the capacity to act with intention rather than pure reaction.