Family Scripts: Where to Begin in the Early Years — Five Stages and First Steps

Family roles are passed down almost invisibly: what our mother once did to us, we later do to our own children. The doctor suggests seeing the mother–daughter relationship as a sequence of stages, each with its own principle. If we grasp these principles, we can end the "banal, dumb hostility that simply comes from people not knowing elementary psycho-hygiene."

First stage: a foundation built by copying (0–2 years)

The earliest period lays down the whole foundation. A child doesn't "listen" — the child copies. Mother cries, the child cries; mother smiles, the child smiles. So the first practical step is to make sure your face, behaviour and energy toward the child are positive.

In this period support for the young mother matters enormously: post-partum states and family tension hit the child first, even though people often don't notice it.

And one more concrete first step the doctor names directly: sunlight. For northern countries it is especially important — a growing organism needs solar energy; if possible, take the child, even in winter, somewhere with sunlight.

Second stage: attune, don't break (≈2–7 years)

The key principle here is attunement. Don't scold, don't force, don't "break" the child's behaviour. Instead — catch the child's attention and redirect it where it needs to go.

The doctor stresses: it is precisely at the moment when a child is broken by force that the "focal points" appear which later act as post-traumatic responses and generate negativity. This takes attention and effort — but this is exactly where "we must break that vicious cycle."

Third stage: reinforcement and respect (≈7–14 years)

The principle of this stage is reinforcement. When the child does what's needed, you push them forward and reward them. When they do the opposite — no punishment; simply ignore it and carry on with your own business.

At the same time you treat the child as a person, with respect, but the foundation stays the same: reinforce the desired behaviour. And across every stage, your own example remains the leading force.

The affirmative principle of communication

One of the most practical first steps is to speak with the child approvingly and affirmatively. Even when they get something wrong, first acknowledge what was right: "good that you said it this way, but it can be said even better."

This way the child gains energy and courage to keep trying: the more they try, the better they get — and then they become hard to stop. The same applies to the "and" principle: studying, eating well, doing sport — and enjoying all of it.

What to do right now

The doctor shows that the point is not the exact ages but the principles of the stages. Recognising which stage you are in and applying its principle is itself the first step out of inherited scripts.

Practice

1. Check your "mirror." In contact with the child, consciously play the role of an energetic, joyful, positive person — demonstrate the quality you want to instil before expecting it.
2. Provide sunlight and balance. Give the growing body sunlight and a calm rhythm — it affects sleep and overall state.
3. Swap breaking for attuning. When you notice unwanted behaviour, don't punish by force — redirect the child's attention where it needs to go.
4. Use reinforcement and ignoring. Acknowledge and reward what you want; calmly ignore what you don't and continue your own business.
5. Watch the environment. Notice which people, which street, school and content "feed" something into your child — keep watch over the quality of that influence.