Envy Up Close: How to Support a Loved One Without Hurting Them Further

Envy is not simply an unpleasant feeling. According to Dr. Saulitis, intense envy can pull a person into a depressive, paranoid state marked by self-flagellation, a sense of worthlessness, and thoughts like "everyone would be better off without me." Recognising this is the first step toward genuine support.

Don't become a source of pain: stop the comparisons

One of the most common — and least noticed — mistakes loved ones make is holding others up as examples: "Look at him, he managed it, he provided, he achieved." Dr. Saulitis is clear: hearing this from a stranger feels neutral, but from someone close, it cuts deeply. It is often the "close people who are actually distant" who land the hardest blows. Sometimes this happens unconsciously — the person making the comparison is dealing with their own struggles and tries to provoke, to assert influence, to trigger a sense of envy in the other.

If you notice someone in your circle doing this to the person you are trying to support, step in — gently but firmly.

Build a "curtain": staying present without being pulled under

Dr. Saulitis describes one of the hardest challenges for loved ones: remaining in genuine contact with a suffering person — without reacting to their outbursts or accusations — while not pushing them away. He calls this building a "curtain": not taking offence, not withdrawing, but also not being overwhelmed by the other person's pain. This is not coldness — it is steadiness. When you are not drowning in someone else's emotional storm, you are actually able to help.

If your loved one shouts, argues, or blames — remember: they are "stuck on their own record." Their reactions come from inside their current state, not from any objective truth about you.

Understand the condition first — then you can truly help

Dr. Saulitis advises: if someone close to you is struggling, take the time to understand what is actually happening with them. Without that understanding, well-meaning help can do more harm than good. Severe envy is not a personality flaw or weakness; it is a lived experience that may need professional attention. Your role is not to "fix" the person — it is to create a calm, non-reactive space around them and, when the time is right, to help them reach out to a specialist.