Resentment & Holding Grudges: Myths and Common Mistakes

Resentment is usually explained through someone else's fault — "I was wronged, so I resent." But behind that explanation lies a mechanism that operates entirely within us. Here are the most common mistakes people make.

Myth 1: Resentment is a natural response to injustice

To resent is to refuse to accept a part of reality. When a person holds a grudge, they begin operating on a filtered picture of the world — letting some information in while blocking the rest. As a result, the brain makes decisions not on a full picture but on a selective one. That is no longer healthy perception — it is a split: some things are labelled "good," others "bad," and the whole is lost.

Myth 2: Holding grudges keeps you safe

A person nursing resentment is convinced that "remembering the bad" is self-protection. In practice, they keep cutting off part of reality. A psychologically healthy person, in the doctor's view, takes everything that has happened as useful: some information fits one situation, other information fits another. Holding grudges locks the brain into selective perception and strips it of flexibility.

Myth 3: Getting over resentment is a matter of willpower

The popular advice — "just forgive and let go" — misses the point: the problem is not willpower but the information we allow into our minds. We need to engage with reality without these blinkered programmes — to let the brain receive all information without censorship. Only then will it produce a quality response. Willpower alone does not remove the filter; honest contact with what actually is does.

What follows from this

Resentment is neither a moral weakness nor a fair defence. It is a mode of mental operation in which part of reality is deliberately ignored. Understanding this mechanism is already the first step toward leaving it behind.