Resentment & Holding Grudges: When to See a Specialist

Resentment is more than an unpleasant emotion. As Dr. Saулitis explains, when a person holds a grudge, they begin filtering reality selectively — labelling some things "good" and others "bad" — and the brain stops receiving a full, unbiased picture. A psychologically healthy mind can take in all available information without internal censorship; that is precisely what enables sound decision-making.

Where the Normal Range Ends

A single episode of feeling hurt is a normal psychological response. The warning sign appears when a person gets stuck: replaying old events over and over, perceiving the world through a fixed lens of "I've been wronged," and letting that lens drive behaviour and relationships. Dr. Saулitis describes this as the mind operating on "selective information" — essentially an internal split.

When You Can No Longer Manage Alone

Consider seeing a specialist if you recognise the following:

• The resentment does not fade over months, despite conscious efforts to let it go
• You are "crushed by depression" and attribute your entire state solely to being wronged by someone
• Holding grudges is damaging close relationships — you repeatedly bring up old grievances during conflicts, and the intimacy in a partnership or family quietly erodes
• You notice yourself ignoring entire layers of reality, hearing only what confirms your point of view

In these situations the issue is no longer a matter of "temperament" — it has become a pattern that calls for an outside perspective and professional support.

Why It Is Important Not to Wait

Dr. Saулitis stresses that when a person is already in a depressed or beaten-down state and continues living in a mode of chronic resentment, the situation does not improve on its own — it worsens. Hoping that things will "sort themselves out," or that external changes (a new relationship, a move, a new job) will resolve the internal split, only creates the conditions for more suffering.

Seek a specialist not when things have hit rock bottom, but as soon as you notice that resentment is making your decisions — rather than you making them yourself.