Saying No and Assertiveness: What It Is and How to Recognise It

Saying no is not rudeness or selfishness. It is the capacity to hold your own position — without being absorbed into another person's state or taking on their reality as your own.

What happens when we cannot say no

When someone around us is in a state of intense stress or distress, the nervous system literally mirrors them: the same biochemical processes are triggered — pulse, blood pressure, and overall tone shift in response. Dr. Saulitis describes this as the neurobiological level — the primary layer from which self-loss in contact with others begins. Psychological and behavioural reactions come later; they are the smoke, not the fire.

Signs that a personal boundary is not holding

The inability to say no shows up in more than words. Key signals include:

• You "buy into" the other person's situation — their anxiety, anger, or demands become your internal reality.
• You feel there is no one to rely on, yet you cannot fall back on your own decision either.
• You act out of fear of consequences rather than conscious choice.
• After contact with certain people, your physical state measurably changes — this is not a metaphor, it is a neurobiological fact.

What it means to hold your ground

Holding your ground means retaining the ability not to absorb a situation — and to "switch off" from it when needed. This is not coldness or indifference; it is stability that allows you to remain yourself even in close, intense contact. It is important to understand: if the nervous system struggles to cope, that is not a character flaw — it is a signal about the level of load being placed on it. As the doctor puts it, the best goalkeeper is the one who has let in the most goals; there is no need to fear breaking down.

Choosing connection by resonance — being with people because of genuine inner alignment rather than obligation or fear — is another marker of healthy boundaries.