Why It’s Hard to Say “No”: The Method on the Power of Identifications

When a person can’t say “no,” refuse, or express themselves, the cause is rarely a “weak character.” The method looks at it from the inside: what actually stops us from realizing ourselves, speaking with confidence, and not letting others “mess with our heads.”

The Power of Identification

The main reason, the doctor says, is that a person is in the power of identification: they perceive themselves not as a living, unique being but formally — through features, labels, belongings. We do the same with others: we see language, nationality, preferences, possessions — and behind that we no longer see the person. As long as a formal characteristic comes first, it’s hard to defend your living self.

The Reactive State and the “Monkey Brain”

When someone provokes us or we must refuse, a reactive, emotional response kicks in — what the doctor calls the “monkey brain”: the urge to “destroy,” “smash,” “re-educate.” In that state there’s no room for a calm “no” — only fear, anxiety, insecurity. He points to stuttering as the same root: “it is a mental disorder, it’s anxiety, fear, insecurity.” To speak with confidence, you must step out of reactivity and start thinking in the language you choose.

Others’ Labels Are Not About You

When someone demands, pressures, or accuses you, it’s important to see that their state stands behind it — not the truth about you. The doctor offers a simple diagnostic view: if a person sees only a formal feature in another and not the being behind it, that is thinking at the level of “tomatoes are red, and an elephant’s eyes are red.” That’s no reason to submit. It’s a reason to recognize the disorder — otherwise “they will keep messing with your head,” but once recognized, everything gets simpler.

The Barrier Is Usually Psychological

The doctor uses a language metaphor: for someone who knows Russian, Polish takes about three weeks — “but somehow you can’t accept it psychologically.” The same is true of standing up for yourself: the real barrier is more often internal than external — unaccepted, unrecognized. Once the barrier is seen, it stops being a wall.

From Labels to a Living Self

The method’s goal is to rise in your perception: to stop being a set of formal constructs and become a living, unique person. From that stance it’s easier to say “no,” to realize yourself, and to look calmly at others’ reactions. The doctor is candid: “I don’t want to force people” — asserting yourself is not aggression but freedom and choosing the best decisions.

Practice

1. Notice when the “monkey brain” switches on: the body tightens, you want to strike or flee — that’s the reactive state, not the time to decide.
2. Name the formal label being used to pressure you (or that you use on yourself), and separate it from the living person.
3. Ask: is this really about me — or is it the state of the one speaking?
4. Shift into calm and formulate your “no” from the living self, not from fear.
5. If you feel an inner barrier, name it as psychological: it can be recognized and crossed, like the “three weeks” with a language.