Making the First Step: Standing Up for Yourself and Saying No Without the Inner Struggle

Often we can't do what needs doing — or say "no" to someone — not because we lack the skill, but because resistance and reluctance switch on inside. Dr. Andris Saulitis explains: behind this stands an "avoidance program" inherited from apes, and while we're in it, no real decision exists. The first step toward standing up for yourself is to leave that program and switch on the cortex, the neocortex, where a true choice appears.

Why we can't say "no"

According to the doctor, when a person can't do what's needed, there is only one reason — psychologically he is still a child. As long as there's someone to lean on, you can avoid the unpleasant and postpone it. But the moment you give up that support, it becomes simple — because there's no longer anyone to rely on.

"You can't make yourself do what's needed for only one reason: because you are still psychologically a child."

Burning the ships: remove the way back

The doctor uses the image of Caesar landing in Albion: the legionnaires were shown smoke — their own ships burning. After that the choice is simple: win here, or stay and fertilize this ground. When there is no retreat, bargaining with yourself disappears. The same works in small things: "do it and I live, don't and I die" — and the question of whether to "talk yourself into it" dissolves.

Setting yourself up begins in advance

The doctor describes his method of preparing for a hard situation (he gives the example of speaking, but the principle is the same). First — sleep, rest, eat: the worse your physiology and form, the harder it is to hold the stress. You set yourself up not in the moment of action, but beforehand — the evening before, in the morning, and once more right before. It's an affirmation you repeat, entering the needed state.

"I tune myself to the best: what I have, I'll give my best. If I give my best — why worry?"

When it "carries you away" — don't justify

The main mistake is to start controlling it and worrying that it's "carrying you away." The doctor compares this to putting out a fire with gasoline: the more you try to catch and justify yourself, the worse it gets. The right move is to notice the state, tick the box, and calmly move to a pre-prepared point. Don't justify, don't explain, don't soften it with a joke — none of that is needed.

Stress when you say "no" is normal

The doctor warns honestly: when a person walks away, refuses, or stands his ground — he will always feel stress. This is natural physiology, not a sign of a mistake. Stress also arises when we deceive ourselves, pretending someone's demand doesn't irritate us. So an honest refusal is healthier than a pretended agreement.

Practice: the first step to "no"

1. Prepare the body. Sleep, rest, eat — on poor physiology, holding stress is harder.
2. Set yourself up in advance. The evening before and in the morning, enter the state: "I give my best; there's nothing to worry about."
3. Burn the ships. Tell yourself there is no retreat — this removes the bargaining over "should I or not."
4. In the moment — pause and point. When you notice resistance or being "carried away," take a deep breath, pause, and move to the prepared decision.
5. Don't justify. Tick the box and move on; no explanations or softening jokes are required.