Impostor Syndrome: How Loved Ones Can Help

Impostor syndrome is neither a quirk nor false modesty. Dr Saulitis describes it as a state of internal tension: a person is convinced they don't truly belong where they are, and expends enormous energy hiding that conviction. From the outside, this looks surprisingly different from what it is — and that is exactly where loved ones can make a difference.

How to Recognise It: Watch Behaviour, Not Words

A person with impostor syndrome often appears outwardly "too perfect" — overly demanding, rigid, controlling every detail. This is not confidence; it is armour. Underneath runs a constant fear of being exposed, of someone saying: "Who gave you the right?" They build justifications in advance, take on too much, and never say "I was lucky" aloud — even though that is exactly what they believe.

Where It Comes From: Context That Matters

The roots lie in childhood and in what significant adults said: "Don't touch it, you'll break it," "you never get anything right." Then come school, social, and cultural templates: meet the standards, prove your worth. Dr Saulitis emphasises that the word "impostor" is almost always used as a weapon — by those who want to put someone down. If someone heard it repeatedly, the mark stays for a long time.

What Loved Ones Do Without Realising — and What to Change Instead

The most common mistake is reinforcing the anxiety through evaluative statements, even with good intentions. "But you're so smart — what are you afraid of?" is a judgement, not support. As the doctor notes, evaluative statements can be turned against a person — and someone with impostor syndrome will receive them exactly that way.

What genuinely helps:

• Observe without commenting. Notice when your loved one dismisses their own achievements — and don't silently agree.
• Stop adding expectations. Pressure to "measure up" is already suffocating them.
• Speak about specific actions, not character. "You did this" rather than "you're so capable."
• Give it time. Dr Saulitis says plainly: arriving at a clear, felt sense of what you can actually do takes time. A loved one supports that process through presence — not by rushing it with impatience.

The Key Point: Not to Fix, but to Stop Getting in the Way

Impostor syndrome is not resolved by someone else's approval — the person must reach a felt sense of their own real capacity themselves. The role of loved ones is to avoid becoming yet another voice that evaluates and demands. Parents, friends, partners: observe, understand the context, and you will be able to offer support that is genuinely close to that person's reality.