Personal Boundaries: First Steps When "Boundaries" Don't Work

Many come with the same question: how do I set personal boundaries to push back against rudeness and abuse when leaving isn't always an option? The doctor looks at it differently. He says the very concept of a "personal boundary" often becomes a new religion from the "psychological toilet" poured on people by those who never actually helped anyone. So the first steps aren't about building walls — they're about a different relationship to the situation and to the people around you.

Why "building boundaries" isn't the first step

The doctor offers an image: what boundaries would a rabbit build with a wolf? They are different creatures — and while the rabbit "negotiated" boundaries with the wolf, we all know how that ended. The point: with a toxic, "sick" contact it's useless to negotiate rules. This isn't a question of boundaries — it's a question of recognizing who you're dealing with.

De-identification: "not my house"

The first practical step is de-identification. The doctor puts it simply: "not me, not my house" — there's nothing personally about you. Once you stop taking what's happening as a personal blow, rudeness and abuse lose the power that used to "drain your energy."

Recognize the reactive state

The second step is to recognize the reactive state — to understand you're facing a sick person. The doctor sorts contacts not into "pleasant/unpleasant," but by essence: if a person is in a reactive, toxic state, you don't build boundaries with them — you identify them.

A toxic contact isn't a boundary — it's a hazmat suit

The third step is about the openly toxic. The doctor compares it to being doused with radiation or acid: any animal instantly shuts off access to its body. And here it's not about a boundary, but about protection, a suit — something entirely different. If a contact gives you "interference, 2+2=5" — doesn't add up to common sense — drop it immediately.

A simple rule of choice: restrain or run

What do we do with sick people? By the doctor's logic — either "restrain" (regime measures, control of the environment), or run. If we can impose some control — okay; if we can't — we leave. And if you can't escape, as if from prison, then there's only one task: make sure the "acid doesn't touch your body," and switch on your brain to defend against the toxic environment.

Practice

1. De-identify. Tell yourself: "not my house" — this isn't about me personally, there's nothing personal here.
2. Recognize the state. Ask: is this person in a reactive, "sick" state? Then it's not dialogue — it's recognition.
3. Check for interference. Does the contact give you "2+2=5," drain your energy? If so — it's toxic.
4. Choose your tactic. Can you control the environment? "Restrain." Can't? Run.
5. If you can't escape — put on the "hazmat suit": the task isn't to build a boundary, but to keep the "acid" off your body.

"Personal boundary — that's nonsense. What personal boundaries would a wolf build with a rabbit?" "This isn't a boundary, it's a hazmat suit, protection — something entirely different." "What do we do with sick people? Either restrain them, or run. That's it."