Personal Boundaries: Why the Popular Concept Doesn't Work the Way You Think

Personal boundaries have become almost a self-help religion. But precisely where the concept sounds most appealing, it tends to fail the most — and here is why.

Myth One: You Can "Build Boundaries" with Anyone

The popular advice goes roughly like this: sit down, have a conversation, explain where your boundary is. But this advice ignores the most fundamental question — *who* exactly are you talking to?

If the person in front of you is in a reactive, disordered, or toxic state, no boundary-setting conversation will work. Dr. Saulitis compares it to a rabbit trying to establish personal boundaries with a wolf: the image alone shows how futile the exercise can be.

What kind of personal boundaries are we talking about? A rabbit and a wolf. That's nonsense.

The first step is not to set boundaries — it is to recognise who you are dealing with: is the person in front of you functioning healthily, or are they reactive, unwell, toxic?

Myth Two: A Boundary Is a Negotiation

Many people treat "setting boundaries" as a communication skill: phrase it correctly, say it with confidence, and the other person will back off.

This assumes the other person is willing and able to hear you. But if a contact drains your energy and causes damage, that is not a matter of phrasing. It is a matter of basic physics: acid does not stop being acid because you politely asked it not to burn.

If this contact gives you nothing — no positive result, no growth — why on earth do you need it?

The healthy response is instinctive, like any living creature's: block access, leave if you can.

Myth Three: If You Can't Leave, You Must Build Boundaries

When leaving is not an option — a workplace, a family situation, life circumstances — people often go searching for the "right boundary technique." Dr. Saulitis offers a different image: not a boundary, but a spacesuit — protection from a toxic environment.

What boundary? It's a spacesuit, it's protection — that's a completely different thing.

A spacesuit is not a negotiation with your surroundings. It is about organising your own protection so that the "acid does not reach your body." The task shifts: not to change the other person, but to minimise their impact on you.

What Actually Works Instead

Three practical steps Dr. Saulitis names in place of the popular myths:

• Recognise your own reactive state — understand what is happening to you in this contact.
• Recognise the other person's state — is this person functioning well? Is the contact worth having at all?
• Make a decision: if you can leave — leave; if you cannot — activate your protection and stop the toxic influence from reaching you.

Don't plant potatoes in a swamp in December. Understanding the nature of a contact matters far more than finding the right words to "set a boundary."