Toxic Relationships: Myths That Keep You Stuck

The word "relationship" creates an illusion of something fixed and permanent — a structure that must be preserved at all costs. That very word is often the trap itself.

Myth one: A "relationship" is something permanent

A widespread misconception is that a "relationship" exists as an object in its own right — something to maintain, rescue, or not destroy. Dr. Saulitis argues otherwise: there is no such thing as an abstract "relationship." What exists is a specific contact — here, right now. Each contact is built anew, according to the correspondence between the people involved. When someone clings to the word "relationship," they are often clinging to a form that has long since lost any living content.

Myth two: Being convenient means being a good person

One of the most common mistakes is confusing genuine responsiveness with boundless availability. If an interaction is built solely on what you provide for the other person, with no movement in return, that is not closeness — it is exploitation. Toxicity in relationships frequently begins exactly here: a person grows accustomed to giving without reciprocity and calls it love or duty.

Myth three: Toxicity is always obvious

Gaslighting, stalking, and other forms of psychological influence intertwine with one another until they form, in the doctor's words, a "Gordian knot." There are nuances both in how these dynamics are recognised and in how they are experienced. The mistake is to wait for something overtly violent while missing the gradual depletion — the way each contact leaves you a little less yourself.

What to do instead

The first step is to let go of abstract thinking about "the relationship" and start paying attention to each specific contact: what is actually happening in it, is there correspondence, is there mutuality? Not "saving a relationship" as an abstraction, but looking honestly at what is happening right now.