Supporting a Loved One in a Domestic Violence Situation

When someone close to you is living with domestic violence, the instinct is to judge, to split everyone into "good" and "bad," to demand immediate action. That reaction is understandable — but it rarely helps.

Violence lives inside relationships

Domestic violence unfolds within the family, within the relationship — which is exactly why it is so hard to see from the outside and so hard to name from within. Impulsive, explosive behaviour is not something that only appears "in that particular relationship": it shows up everywhere, in a shop queue, on the street, whenever there is any tension. This matters for those on the outside: the person being harmed is not "provoking" it.

Don't stop seeing a human being

Dr. Saulitis stresses this point firmly: the moment we stop seeing a person — even someone who causes harm, even someone dangerous — as a human being (albeit an ill one), we ourselves risk losing our mental footing. Supporting someone who has been hurt means staying clear-headed and not becoming hardened. Anger at the perpetrator is natural, but it can close off the very access you need to actually help.

How to support in practice

• Be present without pressure. A person in this situation often experiences others' emotions and demands as an additional burden. Quiet, steady presence matters more than forceful words.
• Don't dismiss their feelings. Empathy is not weakness. It is precisely the absence of empathy in their surroundings that keeps a person isolated.
• Separate the illness from the person. Helping someone understand that their partner's aggression reflects a disordered state — not the survivor's fault, not their destiny — loosens the grip of shame and self-blame.
• Take care of yourself. Sustained support requires that you remain mentally stable yourself.

The essential point

Understanding that violence stems from a pathological condition is not an excuse for violence and not a call to endure it. It is a tool — one that allows you to see the situation clearly, without rage or despair obscuring your view, and therefore to offer help that is genuinely useful.