Infidelity: The Myths That Keep You Stuck

The word "betrayal" covers very different experiences: a partner's infidelity, a friend's broken trust, an organisation's broken promise — and something else entirely: changing one's own thinking, language, or way of life. Confusing these meanings generates two persistent myths that prevent people from processing the pain of being betrayed.

Myth one: "I was betrayed — so it must be my fault"

One of the most common inner responses to infidelity is: "If I had been better, if I had done this or that, they wouldn't have betrayed me." The person begins to believe they deserved the betrayal because of their own flaws. This is a trap: instead of understanding what happened, they turn to self-punishment. It is important to recognise that any evaluation is always a subjective opinion — not an objective measurement of reality. Someone else's behaviour is not proof of your inadequacy.

Myth two: "There is nothing I can do"

The opposite extreme is getting stuck in a victim position: "How could they do this to me?" The tension and hurt are real — but stopping there leaves a person powerless. Dr. Saulitis notes that as he himself changed his thinking, relationships, and way of life, the things that once caused him pain gradually lost their grip. Not because the pain was unimportant, but because he himself had changed.

The way forward: not "who is to blame" but "what can I change"

A common mistake is spending all one's energy searching for the guilty party — whether oneself or the other person — instead of asking: what is within my power? Thinking, behaviour, values, social circle, and lifestyle can all be changed. It is the accumulation of such personal changes that, over time, shifts one's relationship to what happened. This is not denial of pain, nor a justification of betrayal — it is a path that genuinely works.