Supporting a Loved One Through Infidelity: What the People Around Them Need to Know

When someone close to you is at the centre of an infidelity story — whether as the person betrayed or the one accused — those around them often feel lost: what to say, how to help, whether support might actually make things worse. Dr. Saulītis points to several key principles.

The pain is real — but the explanation may be wrong

A person who has been cheated on (or who is convinced they have been) experiences genuinely objective consequences: disrupted sleep, blood-pressure changes, an inability to function and fulfil their potential. This is real and deserves care. However, the story they are telling themselves may be a "subjective narrative" — an interpretation that does not necessarily match reality. The role of a loved one is not to fuel that narrative by adding new details and emotions.

Don't become a co-author of the story

The most common well-meaning mistake close people make is agreeing with everything the person says and elaborating on their version of events. Dr. Saulītis cautions that "subjective narratives that people perceive as something objective" are already fertile ground for serious psychological disturbance. Each time you confirm a distorted picture of reality, you help it take root — it becomes reinforced through repetition. Supporting someone does not mean endorsing every conclusion they draw.

What genuinely helps

• Presence without judgement. The person needs to feel they are not alone — not that they have found a judge or a defence lawyer.
• Caution with "leave" or "stay" advice. Loved ones often rush toward decisions. The situation is usually more complex than it appears from the outside.
• Anchoring to known facts. Gently, without arguing, bring the person back to what is actually established, rather than speculation.
• Pointing toward professional help. If you notice that distress is escalating and the person can no longer function, this is a signal to seek a psychiatrist or psychotherapist. A loved one is not equipped to carry this alone.

Take care of yourself too

Supporting others takes energy. Dr. Saulītis reminds us: "only give what you love to give, when you actually have the energy to give it — because if you don't, how can you give at all?" You cannot genuinely help someone else if you have completely depleted yourself. Setting limits on your involvement is not selfishness — it is a precondition for real support.