Parental Burnout: First Steps — Get Out of the Reactive State

Parental burnout often begins where the parent acts on autopilot, in a reactive state: responding to the child out of fatigue, anxiety, or one's own unprocessed experiences. In that state there is no energy left to see what is really happening with the child or what stage they are in right now. So the first step is not to "fix the child" but to recover your own resource.

First, leave the reactive state

The doctor puts it plainly: while you are in a reactive state yourself, you cannot see your children. The work starts with you — stepping out of automatic reactions and restoring inner resource. Only then does the energy to observe and understand appear.

"Do everything so that you yourself come out of this reactive state — then you'll have the energy resource to see what's happening with your children."

Recognize the child's stage

Once you have resource, you can see the stage of development. Up to age two, the child copies everything: mother cries — child cries, mother smiles — child smiles. This period lays the foundation, and it matters that our face, behavior, and energy in contact stay positive. It is the child who suffers most here when the adult is in a hard state.

Don't break by force — adapt

From age two onward, the principle is "adaptation": we don't scold, don't force, don't break behavior. When a child is broken by force, the very wounds appear that later echo back as negativity. Instead of pressure — catch the child's attention and gently redirect it where it's needed. This takes attention and effort, but this is how the vicious cycle is broken.

"When a child is broken by force, in that moment the wounds appear that later work like post-stress disorders."

Break the vicious cycle

Much of how we react we inherited from our own parents and pass on further. The doctor says it directly: at some point this vicious cycle must be broken — what your mothers gave you, you pass on. Realizing this is one of the first practical steps: see the automatism and don't repeat it.

"At some point you have to break this vicious cycle, where your mothers passed it to you, and you pass it on."

Practice

1. Notice the moment of reaction: pause and ask yourself — am I acting from resource or from a reactive state (fatigue, anxiety, irritation)?
2. Restore yourself first: regain your energy resource before trying to "solve" anything with the child.
3. Identify the child's stage: under 2 — they copy you; from 2 — the principle of adaptation applies.
4. Instead of pressure — catch the child's attention and gently redirect it, without breaking by force.
5. Ask yourself: what am I repeating from my own parents? Choose not to pass it on.