Why We Need to Control Everything: The VitaModo View

The need to control everything around us — loved ones, situations, outcomes — is not a personality trait but a signal. The VitaModo method sees it as a manifestation of a reactive state of mind, in which a person loses the ability to simply live and interact with reality as it is.

A reactive whirlpool instead of flow

A person gripped by the need for control cannot stop their "reactive thinking" — thoughts pull them in like a whirlpool. Their mind replays catastrophe scenarios they want to avoid at any cost, and they "lay down cushions wherever they can." But reality is free and open; it cannot be controlled.

The opposite is a state the method calls flow. In it there is no anxious "it must be this way," no concern about what others will think. You are simply in the moment, interacting with it as it actually is.

"Control is always something that has already happened or will happen: you are in a sick, reacting state."

How to recognize the reactive state

People in this state are easy to spot: they constantly voice complaints, dissatisfaction, lecture others — "this is how it should be done." Yet there is no concrete, reasonable suggestion behind it. The more you live in spite of their control, supervision and forecasts, the more it "blows them up."

In close relationships it sounds familiar: "why don't you answer?", "why don't you pick up?", "where are you?", "I'm worried." This is essentially a cry for help — a signal that the person's reactive system is strained and running at maximum.

"A person tries to control others, control the situation, because they are in a reactive state."

Ocean, wave and dance

Control is impossible by the very nature of life. You cannot control music — you can only interact with it in dance. You cannot control a wave or the ocean — trying to subdue them means death. They call for interaction, not reaction.

And to interact, you need love. Without love there is no trust; without trust there is no interaction. The paradox of the controlling person is that they often say they "love." But love that watches and punishes is not love — it is anxiety wearing love's mask.

Parents and children: anxiety disguised as care

Young children need control — there is nothing shameful in that. But the time comes to let go. Many adult "children" of 30, 40, 50 can no longer talk with their parents: after a conversation they lose all their energy. And the parents don't even realize that what drives them is their own anxiety, which they mistake for care — "but what if something happens?"

Overprotection is one of two extremes. If a relentless anxiety hides behind the constant need to control, that is at the very least an anxiety disorder. Failing to let go in time risks a rupture and silence lasting years.

Control as a form of "formal" perception

On a wider scale, control is tied to the moment a person stops seeing a living being in another and sees only formal traits. When a formal label comes to the foreground and the personality behind it disappears, that is distorted, "sick" perception. A healthy person values the other's uniqueness rather than forcing them into their own scheme.

Practice

To step out of the reactive state, the method suggests starting with yourself:

1. Recognize the signal. Catch your marker phrases: "why don't you answer?", "where are you?", the frequent "checking-in" calls. They signal that your reactive system is running at maximum.
2. Admit you are managing anxiety, not another person. Ask yourself: am I caring — or soothing my own worry at the other's expense?
3. Shift from reacting to interacting. Recall the image of the dance and the wave: not to subdue, but to interact with the moment as it is.
4. Restore respect for the other's space. When you step out of control, complaints no longer even occur to you — you begin to value the other person's private space.
5. Catch the flow. The sign: reactive states fall away, the "what will they think of me" disappears, and you are simply in the moment.