Rebuilding Trust: The First Step Is Your Own Mental Health

When someone asks how to recover after a failed relationship and how to rebuild trust, Dr. Saulitis answers not from the level of "communication techniques" but from the foundations. His logic is simple: while your own brain isn't well, any move toward closeness will "miss the mark." So the first steps in rebuilding trust are not conversations with the other person — they are work on yourself.

First homeostasis, then the relationship

The doctor repeats an image he uses constantly: prevention is good, training is good, but if a leg is broken, you first need a cast. The psyche works the same way.

"You have to restore homeostasis... only then can we go further."

This means the first step is to bring back sleep, to remove the "spiraling" obsessive thoughts, to restore the body's baseline state. Until that exists, rebuilding trust is impossible — because only a person in a relatively healthy state can trust and be trustworthy.

Why a "healthy" person finds it easier to trust and be reliable

The doctor says that a person with a healthy head, normal neuroplasticity, who has slept and rested, sees many "problems" simply disappear: they "see what's needed and do it." Restored mental health he compares to a lit candle and a kindled stove.

"As soon as you reach the level of mental health, it kindles on its own, like a stove — and the light, the warmth, everything else just happens."

Applied to trust, this means: when "the brain starts working again," your ability to perceive facts calmly, to stop spiraling, to accept people as they are, also returns. That is the foundation on which trust can grow back.

Accepting the fact instead of fighting it

One of the first steps, according to the doctor, is learning to accept the fact of what is happening. He notes that a mentally healthy person "understands" and does not get angry for nothing — they "have no problem accepting the fact." Rebuilding trust begins not with forcing the other person, but with soberly seeing reality — your own state, the other's state, the causes of what's going on.

Don't belittle the one beside you

The doctor speaks sharply about those who destroy trust themselves — by belittling and humiliating a loved one.

"Choose a queen, live with a queen — I don't understand these guys, why they choose someone only to then torment them."

His point about the first step here is very practical: if you want trust, stop doing the things that kill it. Choosing respect over belittling is a concrete action available right now.

Practice: first steps (following the doctor's logic)

1. Restore the base. First sleep, rest, removing the "spiraling" — bring back your homeostasis before sorting out anything in the relationship.
2. Understand your state. Honestly assess what state your brain is in: fatigue, stress, burnout. Act on the cause, not the outward symptom.
3. Accept the fact. Stop fighting reality — see people and the situation as they are, without spiraling or blaming.
4. Remove destructive behavior. Stop belittling and humiliating your loved one — treat them as a "queen/king."
5. If needed, see a specialist. First understand what is happening to you with a specialist physician, and only then "go further."